VP Will Have Lips Sewn Shut to Prevent Gaffes

Vice President Joe Biden, the White House announces, has agreed to consider an elective surgery that will silence his big, gaffe-mill mouth by sewing shut his lips.

House Democrats and Republicans, as well as a substantial Senate majority, agree that this is the best treatment option for Biden’s post-campaign tour-ette syndrome of kooky comments. “If Sarah Palin had made comparable remarks she would have been satirized on Saturday Night Alive, (sic)” Pat Buchannan is rumored to have said. SNL writers declined to confirm that tonight’s program will make hay from the VP’s fast-growing field of eyebrow-raisers, but neither did they deny it.

The gaffe which led to the unusual treatment option occurred when Biden, while swearing in a crowd of White House staffers, quipped that, "my memory is not as good as Justice Roberts" (who flubbed the words to the oath of office during Tuesday’s inauguration). That quip, and the evil-eye stare it elicited from President Obama, traveled at the speed of light to the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, where it was mercilessly rewound and repeated over canned laughter. The gaffe also made an appearance on YouTube, although there is no indication it will match the hits earned by the “Leave her alone” performance of Brittany Spears’ crybaby fan last year.

White House insiders claim that little Sasha is purported to have asked, “Daddy, why does that guy with the big white teeth keep saying all those silly things?” She added that, “everybody in third grade says he’s trivializing his position.”

The President, who has publicly stated that he seeks opinions from a variety of sources, was then drawn aside by First Lady Michelle, whose remarks on the subject were emphatic but not clearly heard. Apparently, the two then consulted with the President’s mother-in-law Marian Robinson, who, in light of the country’s economic woes, offered to perform the procedure using her own sewing kit. The President, however, seeking to avoid any appearance of impropriety, visited the AMA website to find an appropriate specialist, which he then text-messaged to Biden. At no time during this process did the President, or Sasha, or Michelle, or Marian or Malia have any contact whatsoever with disgraced Illinois Governor Rob Blagojevish, although the Governor has threatened to reveal details of the medical appointment at his next regularly scheduled press conference.

Members of the Press Corps did not ask Vice-President Biden to comment on the unusual procedure, but he offered that, “It seems like the right solution for now, although if I had known that Michelle would be such a poor sport about a few harmless remarks I wouldn’t have spent $20,000 on my veneers.”