McCain Inaugural 2009

By Guest Blogger Ronald P. Wolff

I think my friendly American readers will enjoy this short story...

John McCain’s “Inaugural Address”
My friendly Americans:

First let me clear up the mystery surrounding my failure to appear on the Capitol steps at noon yesterday. I overslept. I’m sorry. I screwed up.

My administration is grateful to Fox News and Hannity and Combs for permitting me to apologize to the American people and give my inaugural address on this show. As a means of expressing my deepest appreciation, I will answer some questions from the press immediately following my speech. I’m sorry Alan Combs could not join us on this austere occasion. For some strange reason he had three flat tires this morning, so he wasn’t able to make it in to the studio. However, I’m certain that my good friend Sean Hannity will do an excellent job of posing questions that are fair and balanced.

First, let me address the war on terror. Terrorists are not my friends. Terrorists are my enemies. However, we should not torture them; we should just shoot them. Or, maybe we should let the Iraqis shoot them – the Iraqi terrorists, I mean. What I mean is, the good Iraqis should shoot the bad Iraqis. They are bad people. Well, the bad Iraqis are bad people; the good Iraqis are good people. You know what I mean.

Fortunately, the surge worked, and their days are numbered. I mean, the days of the bad Iraqis are numbered. Therefore, my first international trip as your President, and as your friend, will be to Iraq. Now, for security reasons, I can’t tell you when I’m going, but the Secret Service assures me I’ll be safe if I don’t announce my arrival in advance and don’t stay more than a few hours. But I feel it is my duty, as a former prisoner of war myself, to visit the country we have liberated.

My second international trip will be to Ethiopia. I am aware that new Presidents of the United States normally visit our international friends first. My advisors recommended that I go to England. But I’m a maverick, and I think Ethiopia would be an exciting place to visit. I understand that it’s possible to Gogle things like that and find out where they are. So that’s what I plan to do, as soon as I learn how to Gogle something on my new computer, courtesy of you, my friends, the American people.

My third international trip will not be to France. I’m not sure I’ll ever get to France. Even if I really wanted to go, which I don’t, communication with their leaders would be difficult, because nobody in my Cabinet speaks French. Some of the residences Cindy and I own have French doors, and that will have to be enough. I don’t think I’ll be visiting Spain anytime soon either. There is no point in trying to talk to anyone who enjoys that much bull.

Now, I know that many of my fellow Americans are concerned about the economy. They say that failures of government oversight created an environment that unscrupulous business people were bound to take advantage of. Nonsense! Our American free market is the envy of the world. It will come back stronger than ever before. We have nothing to fear but regulation itself!

My friends, despite a few soft spots in the financial, manufacturing, real estate, automotive, pharmaceuticals, leisure and travel, technology, health care, and retail sectors, our economy is basically sound. We hear about an employment rate that may rise to as much as 9 or even 10%. Let’s not forget that an unemployment rate of 10% means that 90% of our able-bodied men and women have jobs! Things are really not as bad as they seem! But if things do get bad, I have a plan – Cindy and I will donate one of our homes to the government, and we’ll auction it off to the highest bidder. That should put a dent in the deficit and ensure the blessings of liberty for our posterity that our ancestors promised.

My friends, I promise you a strong defense for this country. Protection of American lives is Job #1 for any American President. George W. Bush was President for 2,922 days, and we were attacked on our own soil on only one of these days, which is less than one tenth of one percent. I intend to do at least this good, or better.

To preserve our freedom, we need strong defense contractors. One of my predecessors, Dwight D. Eisenhower, warned that the military industry was complex, and indeed it is. But I know where the hatchets are buried at the Pentagon. I buried some of them myself.

That reminds me -- I’m sorry that Vice President Sarah Palin couldn’t be here to share this opportunity with us, my friends and me. Or my friends and I. I’m not sure which. I guess I’ll have to hire a good speech writer. Anyway, she is out helping our economy by shopping for the new clothes she will need when she visits Russia next month. She’ll be the first Vice President in history to travel internationally using a dog sled, dressed in a suitably fashionable fur coat.

Finally, my fellow Americans, I just want to tell you that today – well, actually yesterday, but you know what I mean – that the torch is being passed to a friendlier generation of Americans, tempered by legalized torture, disciplined by lobbyists. Former Vice President Dick Cheney has requested that I include in this carefully vetted speech the following admonition: Ask not for discounts from your friendly local business owner; ask what you can do to make his business prosper, because what’s good for business is good for the Country! May God be with you.

If you like Ron's brand of humor, you might also like to purchase his satiric novel, "Operation Capitol Hill."