The Keys to the Entire Friggin' Universe

Never in my lifetime have I seen a political party as willing to transmogrify itself into anything at all… from Joe Six-Pack to a blow-up rhetoric doll willing to say or swallow anything… as the GOP in this election.

There must be a lot of power at stake. I mean, like, a LOT.

I know that, in spite of my lifetime of cheerleading for the progressive agenda, I am a political neophyte. I know I view politics in simplistic terms, i.e., Conservatives are bad, Progressives are hot-fudge sundae good. But… just how big IS the political power prize (let’s call it PPP from now on) at stake in this election?

If Obama wins, will Republicans have to turn over an oil mill that, like the cursed salt mill that kept grinding until every ocean on the planet became too salty to drink, spews enough cash to render our world so cold, dark and polluted that only retired Haliburton CEOs can live on it?

I guess I was wrong about Big Oil interests. I thought they ALREADY had constructed an atmosphere processor on the dark side of the moon, where they used their oil-for-blood money to build a palatial community that makes Dubai look like a mobile-home park in New Orleans, to which they and their sex slaves plan to retreat when earth becomes uninhabitable. You know… in 25 years or so. But apparently, Big Oil hasn’t quite finished the job. They need more time. More money. More blood. More more more. So they have stocked up on Depends and hunkered down in Chaney’s White House basement digs, where they are conducting secret, “Keep Change from Happening” rituals. And, as Obama’s lead in the polls widens, they are soiling a LOT of Depends. I wouldn’t want to be the housekeeping service that cleans up after them on November 5th.

Or does the GOP’s hysterical grip on the PPP have nothing to do with greed, can it be a desperate need to finish shredding the evidence that might convict them in the world court of pissed-off opinion? Like frat boys who tossed beer cans and passed-out co-eds into an unused room until it overflowed and smelled worse than the back seat of Casey Anthony’s car, are they afraid to move out because even THEY don’t know how much damage they’ve done to America?

Could it be there really is a Star Chamber the GOP hides from upstarts like Bill Clinton, who won two elections but didn’t have the PPP credentials to merit entrance? You know… a center of power where everyone has his or her own diamond throne (They grudgingly gave one to Ann Coulter), and where the highlight of every meeting is when they bend the fabric of space and time to travel backwards, remaining forever young and ruthless and in power?

Tell me, someone, what IS the reason Republicans have such a death grip on the PPP?

Here are the Top Ten Reasons why I think the GOP would do anything to keep their keys to the Entire Friggin’ Universe:

10. McCain is terrified of how they’ll punish him if he loses to a black man.
9. They are pretending to be Sarah Palin’s friend.
8. They invoke the spirit of guys named Joe more than Ronald Reagan
7. They say they aren’t responsible for the French people who attend their rallies. No, wait… that’s Fringe people.
6. They can’t conceal their admiration for Obama’s political instincts.
5. Karl Rove has enrolled in a remedial course on Character Assassination.
4. George Bush says it’s OK, he doesn’t need a library in his name anyway.
3. Dick Cheney no longer cares if he’s caught wearing his fishnets and leather bra.
2. Ann Coulter has been curiously muzzled.

And the number one reason we know the GOP would do anything to keep their keys to the Entire Friggin’ Universe:

1. McCain is terrified of how they’ll punish him if he loses to a black man.