As in a tasty mix of talk

Friday, September 05, 2008

THE MORNING AFTER

Can you remember a time in your life when you were so blue you couldn’t pep-talk your way out of the mood, couldn’t convince yourself that everyone is fired at least once in a lifetime, couldn’t erase the image of your lover and best friend doing it doggie style when the elevator door opened, a time when the only plausible exit from your personal hell was to tie one on?

Maybe you lined up shots at a bar. Got shit-faced on medical marijuana. Dropped some X. Whatever. All you knew was that, as the evening unfolded, your life, on this planet, in this universe, began to look and feel and taste and smell and sound… fabulous. That stubble on the bartender’s chin was amazingly sexy… and her jewelry was to die for. The dealer who delivered your drugs was a mathematical genius… no one had ever explained the theory of relativity to you so clearly, and while hand- drumming the theme to Jaws on your coffee table, too. The stranger you met halfway through the night was the soul-mate you’d been searching for since middle school, with a noble brow, charmingly receding chin, and one or two cold sores that you could easily kiss around, if only you could remember where you saw them.

Finally, having accomplished your goal of forgetting your troubles, your brain synapses wasted from transmitting all those pleasure signals, your higher cognitive functions exhausted from all that suspension of disbelief, you found somebody’s bed and crashed in it.

And then. A drum roll. A cymbal clash. The next morning in present time. You wake up.

There, tangled in the sheets with you, is your Grandpa and the high school counselor who suspended you for smoking in the restroom. They are naked.

Get used to this level of oh-shit remorse. After the intoxicating confetti of the GOP convention has been brushed out of your hair and off the air waves, after the euphemisms about everyone joining hands and closing ranks and fighting the enemy have stopped echoing, after the communal tears over sad stories about POW camps and the crash of ‘29 and the Bubonic Plague caused by Bill Clinton have dried, we are going to ask questions. Like:

Huh?

What about health care, kindly white-haired gentleman?

Ma'am? You know all that oil and gas you say is in Alsaka? Didn’t we used to have oil and gas in Texas? Didn’t it eventually dry up? Yes, Ma'am. I’m sorry, I know I have a bad habit of thinking instead of praising the Lord. By the way, what’s that shade of lipstick you’re wearing? Pit Bull by Estee Lauder? Yes, Ma'am, I know I shouldn’t try to lure boys, and it’s my own fault if I get pregnant, and I will go to hell if I don’t stop using my Sonicare to masturbate. Uh, Ma'am? How did you know about that?

Kindly white-haired gentleman, do you promise on a stack of bibles that Dick Cheney will move out of his secret bunker in the White House basement after the election? Oh… as soon as his gun collection is crated up? I guess that’ll be OK, then…

And one more thing, Sir… what should I do about this pink slip I got yesterday? Move to India? Jeez, I am so dumb… if I were prouder of America, I might have thought of that myself.

Are you laughing yet? You shouldn’t be. The GOP has just side-stepped eight of the most dismal years in American history with a glib, rosy, untrue depiction of how it will change America with no plan, no hindsight, no foresight, and no insight.

How will you feel when you wake up the morning after our upcoming election?

Don’t count on undoing a polling-place mistake with a Morning-After pill.

9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, you are sooooo right...if we (my fellow Dems.) don't show up to vote, or get caught up in the Palin drama (Repubs. are counting on this), stay mad that Hillary didn't get the nod, etc. We might forget what this election is about...the issues and the economy. I am Democrat...I am Woman...I am the "REAL" Middle Class, Hardworking, Single Mom that believes we are ALL equal and we ALL deserve a SHOT at the American Dream...and that NOBODY has the right to IMPOSE...downright FORCE their beliefs on me. GO OBAMA!!!!!

8:28 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I dont understand anybody being inspired by that speech last night. I kept looking for the wind up thingie on his back. He looked like a robot. I am confused too, I thought he was republican....I thought he voted with Bush 95% of the time. Does that mean he is part of the group that "let Washington change them"? It was all very confusing to me!! I mean, what do I know, I am just a normal working girl wondering if I can pay my bills this week, hoping my teenage sons dont get drafted, praying their girlfriends arent forced to have a child they dont want, being thankful that my dad is alive, (which he might not be if he wasn't one of the lucky ones with health insurance),trying to figure the shortest route from work to home so I dont have to spend so much on gas and praying beyond measure that SOMEBODY will finally get in the hightest office of our land and do what they are suppose to do....TAKE CARE OF US!!!!!

8:52 AM

 
Blogger Unknown said...

I'm sorry to say this, but I must...I like the Drill Baby Drill slogan that has come out of Minneapolis. But not the way you think. Just because I am married doesn't mean I'm dead. Every time I hear the Drill slogan I can only think of one thing...(virgins stop reading now) I want to DRILL Sarah! (There's something weirdly sensual and erotic about a women who is so full of shit.) Actually, I want to make her bark like a dog, give her a good spanking and wait for her to beg for more. At which point I will kick her out of bed, tell her to go home to the rednecks who think Nuclear and Coal are good alternative energy sources and turn on Sports Central.

9:16 AM

 
Blogger Laurie Allee said...

What I thought was -- after that complete bill of divorcement McCain gave his own party last night... is he still ALIVE this morning? Didn't he basically say -- albiet in the drone of one who took one too many beta blockers -- "George Bush and his administration are corrupt warmongers. Trust me, I'm an honest and ethical warmonger!"

This is the weirdest election I've ever experienced. McCain and Palin are running against the Democrats... and against their own party? All while claiming their own party has the right way out of this mess... um... created by their own party?

Pat, your post is hilarious and beautifully written.

9:21 AM

 
Blogger Laurie Allee said...

Roy, please don't make one of us trot out Sexism For Dummies to bring you up to speed here. The last thing in the world I feel like doing is sticking up for the Republican Vice Presidential candidate (yet again) but no woman deserves that kind of reference. Michael Vick doesn't even speak about his dogs like that.

3:11 PM

 
Blogger San Diego Farmgirl said...

Wow, once again a fantastic post! I think the hangover has been the last 8 years, after too many people stumbled into the voting booth in 2000, high on Clinton prosperity, and said, 'what the hell, give the redneck a shot at it'. And we've all had a throbbing headache since. Oh-shit remorse, that sums up the last 8 years pretty well! Four more, and it's time to run for the hills.

I found it curious that when McCain delivered the line about defending America to his last dying breath, he said it without hardly any emotion. The guy had just told the unimaginably awful story of his POW experience, and ended with what could have been a very moving moment that defined his loyalty and devotion to America. I expected something emotional, a crack in his voice, at least. But instead, he delivered it with a winning smile, like he was reading off Karl Rove's crib sheet. Ew. Fake fake fake. Why can't their followers see it? Too hypnotized by television? Too strung out on prescription meds? Too dumbed down by Britney Spears coverage? Overwhelmed by their own predujices against gays, blacks, women, and Ivy Leaguers that they're willing to turn their backs on logic?

4:45 PM

 
Blogger San Diego Farmgirl said...

Roy's comment reminds me of a gal I knew in Kansas who worked as a dominatrix. She loved the job, because she got paid $120/hour to beat the crap out of Republicans.

5:02 PM

 
Blogger Unknown said...

@ Laurie:

Oh spare me please with the trotting out of feminism for dummies BS. It was satirical...crude yes, over the top perhaps, but a joke all the same (Did you really believe that I meant what I said?). In Minneapolis they showed guys, old guys, wearing buttons at the convention that said I'm for the hot chick and others I can't recall but equally offending to most women I know because they implied Sarah has no brains, just beauty...if that's not sexist I don't know what is. And how about this Laurie, I could throw the same book at you...how condescending was it when Campbell Brown, who was interviewing McCain's advisor Tucker Bounds said (when he wouldn't give her the answer she wanted) Okay baby, I'll give it to you. Like that wasn't sexist! She defended herself (when Cooper Anderson called her on it) by saying she was Southern. Oh, I get it...that makes it okay. Whatever!

For the record, Tucker is an idiot and deserved the trashing he got from Campbell, but you can't have it both ways. Relax and remember they are only words and they only hurt you if you let them. BTW, I've had a lot worse than books thrown at me so bring it on.

8:38 PM

 
Blogger Rose said...

I don't even know how to respond to this past a resounding, standing ovation. Bravo!

8:42 PM

 

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